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the sun is always shining in socal...
Jul. 26th, 2009 @ 04:58 am the uncomfort zone...
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Current Location: my lonely bed...
how am i?...: drained
whats in mah head now...: the roar of my laptop and the stir of happy people...
theres a level of uncomfort built within the zone...the zone being my level of understanding and trust within many individuals around me...i think this is ultra personified by lack of trust in certain individuals which has cost me my relationships with many as of recent...i feel i am a good person but im slipping into the bad...the bad is realized after too many drinks...and too many things and thinks are said...my level of trust is gone with everyone around me...can i trust u and u and u?...probably...and i hope so...but i feel like my emotions are gettin so entangled in things i cant even fathom to understand...maybe i am bipolar...maybe i am really crazy...britney knows all...and britney treats her friends like shit after certain points in the night...i feel like it has never been anyone making others feel uncomfortable it has always been me...but what i fail to see the clarity of...is why do situations keep repeating themselves in my life...i think the young and knowledgeable sarah ardellini told me correctly in a drunken stuper "ash...life repeats itself over and over in patterns of a circle until one day u can gain the clarity to break that repetitious cycle and grow into a straight line"...wouldnt life be grand if i could figure out the fuck ups i have made as of lately or just in general it seems situations are losing clarity and are growing more and more severe with individuals...is it possible i display emotions from one person onto the next...and expect great things from those that are not capable of reading the mind of a crazy man...so here i sit...alone in my bed after i pissed off every single friend i have left...and i feel as though i have lost all trust with these people...not me for them but them for me ultimately pushing them away from me to a point i am pressed to not trust them...why else would 2 individuals be asleep on my couch afraid to piss me off...afraid britney will come back to haunt them with her tears of confusion and sadness because she expects everything from everyone...one should never let themselves be known...for that is the ultimate level of uncomfort...that is the ultimate form of self betrayal...reliance on another...reliance on people to always be there...to always know where ur coming from...clearly that is not so...clearly...there is no clarity in sight and i fear myself doing something quite crazy...i can only shave my hair off so many times before i start reaching the surface...i just genuinely miss the simplicity of the world i once had...the world i chose to stray away from...and the world i chose to complicate with such trivial dealings of jealousy sadness and confusion...i am genuinely all of the above...and so hurt...but im not sure who to displace the hurt onto but someone i like to call me...i did everything to me...there was never anyone to hurt me as bad as i allowed myself to be hurt...maybe...u as the reader...feel there was a wrong turn u took...somewhere along the yellow brick road...u took the dirt path...this is my attempt to realize all that i know...and all that i am comfortable saying...im not stupid...or am i...i know what goes on behind closed doors and spread out sheets...i am just stupid...really when u think about it...why?...what is the point?...i blame those out for a conquest but when i cant achieve it from those around me i feel lost and totally self aware...meaning i realize what i have become physically and i think that plays a huge part in everything...i am insecure...and want to change...but lack the motivation in life to see the end...i was there...but i lost it all...ive lost all hope...and ive lost the caring for sympathy...i just want someone genuine to come around that doesnt have alternate motives in life...that has grown up enough to know where they are really going and what they really want...without the risk of me thinking that they are lying or trying to manipulate me into thinking im ok...not to say people manipulate me...but i feel like i can hear one thing and think another and i feel like people are always out to get me emotionally...like i used to be so happy...and i feel like i displace all the happiness i have left in those who will possibly stray away in the darkest times of need...i hear the noises...and maybe those are the sounds of insecurity or maybe they are the sounds of my own fears being realized...that i am not the end all...be all...i am not the one that people seek in the crowd...that i am in fact the one people laugh at...and hope i hear..i am going crazy...i just wish it would stop...i am going to take a break from drinking for a while...maybe some people around me will take the stance with me...im not a dependent person...so when did i get like this???...why do i feel so alone...and why do i feel so grossed out with people right now...maybe its just the vodka diets that i had tonight being too strong...or maybe they were mad too strong for a reason...dont piss off the hand that mixes ur liquor...it will not end pretty...and ur eyes will be filled with tears of uncertainty when it comes to what tomorrow brings...i only hope my fortune cookie was right and that i will be rewarded...cuz if this feeling is my reward then clearly i have fucked up more than a few times in my life...

-sincerely confused
carl!
Jun. 11th, 2009 @ 01:10 am simmering stew of frustration...
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Current Location: mah office...
how am i?...: nauseated
whats in mah head now...: dashboard confessional-best deceptions
there was once this open door that led to this beautifully open minded individual and his thoughts...seeing people as people and listening to the wisdom everyone had to offer and returning the favor...that door has since closed and the detour can be routed to my cold and blackening heart...i look at people now with disdain and the feeling of vom rising in my mouth often finds me as people continue to make my stomach churn with their bitter and hostile views...i have long tried to see the light in people and bring them a piece of my light...in some respect i feel the eternal flame of happiness that i once possessed has spent its oil supply too fast...i am burnt out and im not sure why...i think its an accumulation of things and people...i just feel i have this constant image to uphold...but alas i have broken that image in a persons mind and they have gotten the best of me...words dont feel like words when they flow from his mouth without thought...words are daggers aimed directly at my caring nature...carved and hung inside out for the world to see what i really am...there is a part of me that believes he is good...but how can i possibly know anymore...i have had these blinders on for the last 9 months...only picking and choosing to see what i want out of this person and when i dont like what i see i correct the action by "making a huge deal out of nothing" in hopes he will use his plethora of knowledge to be able to see i am upset without physically being upset...i think he cares...at least i hope he does...that would completely break me down if he really wasnt the person i think i kno...every now and again i guess i am bothered by the same issues...not of lust or jealousy (but to be perfectly honest im sure that plays a huge part in it)...but instead this constant need to impress...to be this perfect person to this person whom i look up to sooo much...i dont really ask much literally in return...but im sure i take my emotional toll on him...for a while i thought of what my life would have been like without him in it...and i can say it would be completely different...i dont think i would have survived what i went through a few months ago without the support of someone who offers me a varied view of the world that i once thought i knew...it was refreshing to learn of someone elses honest views of the world and the tribulations he has been forced to deal with...although sometimes they are for lack of a better wording unbelievable experiences...i cherish the insight i have had granted access into...at the same time i think i have lost my individual self in him...i feel like im in this fucked up relationship when i dont even want it to be like that...i feel i get so mad and sad and just generally upset if i am not the light in his day...which for me is a bit confusing because i can usually go days sometimes extreme amounts of time without speaking to my friends and we are usually fine...but with him i feel i am so entangled into his life that i am ultimately fucking things up for him...after all he cant have too much fun or i get mad...i believe those were the words i heard fly from his mouth...i acted mad but really i was more hurt...do i really hinder u being u???...recently i have started to see the signs of wear and tear that i have formed upon him/our friendship...and i dont want to lose him/it but i feel if things keep going the way they are going i may lose this friendship all together...i feel i am trying too hard to be this perfect person when everyone knows i am far from it...i mean he can clearly point out my flaws all the time but he chooses to do it at opportune times...maybe its a reverse form of pushing me to lose weight or fix things about myself i dont like...but for me its like ive heard things like that my entire life...ive never been the perfect one...thats why i created my own niche of life to fit into...and yet the unoriginal factor follows me...i just dont need my brother (better title to describe him) to point it out...i guess i can never truly be my own self when i have been so adapted to adopting speech fashion and other popular life influences from the people around me since i was little (lots of moving and becoming the chameleon has finally caught up to me)stress eating for god knows what reason...the lack of motivation...the constant need to be up peoples asses...i seriously think every time he looks at me i find more stuff wrong with me through my own paranoia...am i not being honest enough?...why cant he just recognize something hurt my feelings?...i love him to death...but i honestly dont know what is wrong with me...i have never allowed someone to know so much about me and be so close to me and really it hasnt even been that long...but that is all my fault because its not like he asked to kno what my fav color was...or if i blah blah blah (whatever it is that makes me...well...me)...theres a lack of interest there and i think thats what frustrates me sometimes...i see it here and there and then sometimes i dont...is it a defense mechanism???...we dont talk like we used to...i think i broke him...i wish i could make him better even if he hates me...i just want him to be happy...i just dont kno why it feels sometimes he sucks the breath of life right out of me...i dont understand how a person can possibly have this affect on me...i guess these are things i need to learn to accept defeat in knowing...and just move on...its just like i can never be too close to him...a simple hug is sometimes so much work...and in the end i think he is embarrassed of me...like this weekend i told him i was glad i got to share the time with him and went to give him a hug and he backed away...it hurt...i sat there and thought did he really want to come on the trip with me...or did i do something to gross him out...am i too me?...i guess i cant expect too much because when its forced it hurts me more...i just want to be close to him...i think i spend too much time dwelling...what is he doing?...who is he talking to?...why did he say that to me?...etc...and not enough time being a true friend...and i realized this the other day in the silence that was our car ride back from gay days in orlando...that i think i look at him as not just my friend but my younger brother and im super protective of him and the relationship that has spawned since ive known him...seems weird a 23 year old guy would have a 25 year old little brother...but hey ive heard weirder shit...anyways this is what im wondering...what the hell do i do?...do i just stop caring and go back into being this person that is naive in thought or do i grow with him and hopefully see the beautiful side of him emerge more than is let out?...or do i just???...i guess theres no answer...im not saying he brings me so much stress anxiety or hurt...i do that on my own and probably blame it on him...i can only play happy for so long...the smile crumbles and the frown lines show through the botox and all is not well inside and out for me...and maybe for him...maybe he has things to say that hes afraid to say because i will "reprimand" him and "shoot his thoughts and feelings down"...but truth is...i wont and i couldnt...sometimes it seems that way to him im sure...but i can only be a friend to someone if they want me there in there life...i kno he stays in my life because he wants to...itd just be nice to know why...so i can solidify the good in our relationship and get rid of the bad...not that the bad is as visible anymore...but its hard being friends without feedback...rate me or something...let me know how my driving is...let me see u smile...and let me see more of u...its just im just...well...im just upset...and i dont mean to take it out on him...but words hurt especially coming from someone that means the most to u...what would u do???


-ash!
Mar. 14th, 2009 @ 03:37 am imagine...
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Current Location: my comfy chair...
how am i?...: confused just dont hurt me...
whats in mah head now...: madonna-imagine
imagine all the people...they all stand there...waiting to have a say in ur life...will it be positive or will it indeed be negative?...it is amazing what people will say and get u to believe and how ur heart will tell ur head the complete opposite of what is in fact the truth...the truth hurts...actually it really stings...like alcohol on an open wound...but imagine all those people pouring the alcohol on the wound...and sprinkling salt slowly into the bloody...freshly wounded flesh...imagine how i feel...lost...confused...completely heart broken...giving myself whole heartedly to a person and feeling like i dont kno them any better than when i initially glanced at them during our first encounter...imagine...thinking the worst of a person...imagine trying so hard to convince urself they are indeed a good person...but then feeling like they intentionally disregard or to say it bluntly dont care a thing about how u feel...can u say it enough...can u ask them not to rub it in ur face...yeah alot of the reason i have a problem is pure jealousy...it always is...i wont even dive into that realm...people have and always will have a tear and a strain on my heart...i give so much of myself hoping that one day someone will do it in return...a lot of people as of late have thought i simply think to much into things and people and situations...and for the most part i really do...can u push someones feelings away by making u distrust them and loathe them?...absolutely...can u in turn act in spite haste and absolute doucheness?...hell yeah...theres no bone in my body that tells me i cant be any less real to someone i have tried to be as upfront and rational with as possible...yes i lie and hide my true feelings and through no fault of his own i have fallen for him...and not in the i want a relationship way...in the im tied to ur intellect ur sense of self...and ur overall well being and true self (that part u will never give up willingly...to anyone)...im tied to trying to make u happy...do i feel like ive done a horrible job in trying to make u happy?...nope...i do feel inadequate...but who doesnt...im competing for the attention of someone and i really dont understand why...i would mean absolutely nothing to them if i was or was not in their lives...ive had no real influence on him...ive tried to open him up like a stubborn jar of kosher dill pickles...ive tried so hard to be that person...but am i really or is it simply that he tells me things to test me...test my strength...test my credibility and overall test my friendship...everyday as of recent has a been a test...a test of how truly controlling in nature i am over certain individuals...i dont mean to be...just like i never meant to fall down the downward spiral of a staircase that i am currently traveling on...all in all...i do not like to see someone happy...i guess u could say...actually i take that back...i would like nothing more than to see this individual happy but i wont allow myself the privilege of doing so...im so protective of his heart and mind and i cant let him go...i cant allow him to trust anyone but me...why???...i have no idea...ive seen him turn his outwards in...and i just dont kno what else to do...i feel...i feel like everyone around me is stabbing me in the back...especially him...how much can i say i dont like pda...i dont like pda when i have this emotional protection over u...am i trying to disconnect myself from u in the same ways u have disconnected ur heart from ur actually self?...everything u say to me i think the opposite of...u can tell me that u stepped on a piece of gum and id think that u threw it at my car...am i worried hell yeah?...ive never been so worried about someone in my entire life...ive never fully thought about protecting one of my friends in this manner...and have i been down the negative road that this action gives a person before?...yes...but for a multitude of different reasons...i feel very much now in my heart...that u detest me...u want to hurt me...and u want me to feel what u feel...is that true?...i cannot think a person would actually be willing to torment and torture someone who is already so broken...but maybe i think more of people than what they actually are...maybe it is the madonna complex afterall...but really i think its me reading way too much into things...its me being controlling...and its me not having a say...i dont need one...and i cant move on from that knowledge...how can i watch others be happy...and not allow this individual the chance and opportunity to be all that i wish i could be?...definitely not that at all...so theres the question...i want nothing more than a strong bond with this person and maybe there is the kicker...maybe i am...in my head...pushing my heart away from that kind of connection with a person...actually now that i expelled that...i am absolutely positive thats what it is...and im sorry...im sorry i have tried to be less of the person i thought i was for u...and i am sorry for interfering with ur happiness...all i have ever asked is that people be considerate...and people understand me for me...and understand all the complexities that come along with it...i want u to be happy...and i want to see ur happiness explode in a spectacular showcase of walt disney world fireworks...pure happiness...i want u to feel things and be able to tell me how that is...so i will learn and recognize it when it comes across my path...im sorry...and i want u to understand my love is not conventional...this "testing period" is just how i grow closer to people as close friends...i guess u could say...just honor and respect that i dont want to see it...and i dont want to lose the positive image of ur persona that i have captured in a snapshot along with ur wonderful whit and smile...


-walking away from my man-made storm...
Feb. 1st, 2009 @ 07:53 pm its something i can do...
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Current Location: my chair...
how am i?...: calm
whats in mah head now...: one republic-apologize (tony arzadon club mix)...worth a dl fyi
but why do i feel this party's over?...hmmm i really do feel like i need to run and hide the last few months since my bday have been a growing period of which i have learned to be a drunken mess...look like an ass...spend tons of money...and basically become the celebrity i am without the personal stylist and nagging paps around me...what is it i really need rite?...i obviously seek the attention of those i dont kno...because most of the people i do kno end up stabbing me in the back/ass/forehead etc...eventually...i had the unfortunate event today of walking into mah house and noticing my friend of 3 years and more recently my room mate had moved out...let me mention that she left me alone for all major holidays passed when i never once left her alone for the entireity of a holiday (and for the matter always included her in mah friendships)...anyways the last two months she basically was dead because i didnt see or talk to her...i feel this is in great part to an outside influence...she has always been easily influenced...but to oneday wake up and notice ur so called sister is gone and not talking to u because her "cokehead" boyfriend has minipulated her into thinking she is safer with him then someone who genuinely cared about her well being with the exception of a few choice incidents in which she was beyond control...i dunno why im dwelling on it...its not like i didnt not expect her to move out it just would have been nice to get a forewarning from her mouth since she verbally secured a contract with me...and i gave her many a chance to say she wouldnt be able to stay...walking into an empty feeling house is the scariest thing in the world...i felt like a part of me was riped away and i would never get it back...im bothered yes about the financial kick in the ass that this will bring upon me because lets face i wouldnt still be here if i didnt have help paying mah rent...but its more or less i just expected the courtesy of being told "hey im moving out id like to see u before i uproot completely from ur life"...u kno???...i just cant understand this feeling of displacement and unimportance in the people that are surrounding me lately...do i really give more energy in -ships than i will ever receive back from the individual?...what a sad world if that is indeed the truth...but the truth is always hidden behind the silence of the unsaid...wouldnt life be easier if we were all drunk and had that horrid case of verbal diarrhea...where we could tell the individuals in our lives what they really mean to us without any kind of repercussions...but i guess thats what the music is for...and i guess thats why we dance and put a smile on our nicely made over faces but in the night dont we just cry away the facade?...its all an illusion anyway...why do people have to be so fake...is it really that hard to be like "BYE"...i kno i have no problem shooing away those masquito-like people in my life...why does everyone need something to be a friend...what can u give me?...what can u offer me?...im ready to say "i can only offer u my friendship...nothing else"...and see what people say...i feel so used and abused...like a reused bandaid thats been through too many showers...or maybe not enough...i just want to know the inner thoughts and reactions of my own actions from the people around me...might be nice to kno if i am actually the cause of the pain they are inflicting on my life...instead of displacing the blame on the people who may or may not be reacting to what im doing in a way thats like a dagger to my heart/mind/soul...am i the knife looking for a hand to stab me...am i pushing the buttons i shouldnt press?...or am i not doing enough?...is humanity no longer about coasting...and enjoying the time ur in?...is it simply never enough?...

sorry this made absolutely no sense...but maybe thats why i dont at all because afterall this is the exact way i think...

i just would like to rewind back...start anew...make different decisions and still know the people i know...seeing if i have a chance in hell...if i can make more of myself at the age of 23...if i can just be more than an if...maybe someone somewhere will change me and mold me for the better...but than again maybe they will just throw me to the side like a sock with no match...grrr...


who knows...

-so mental...
Sep. 1st, 2008 @ 02:50 am please...no foul language...
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Current Location: mah casa/megans casa
how am i?...: determined
whats in mah head now...: britney spears-gimme more!
so this week was pretty interesting...the start of school...the creation of some new friendships...and the struggle to stay afloat financially as i try to once again go back to school in the midst of gaining a career in the corporate world...so needless to say this week has been stressful but for the right reasons...ive never really thought much about how people react towards me until in my study and curiosity of different religions i came across the self help book dianetics (in summary it talks about how ur inner thoughts are worn on the outside and can easily perceived by people u encounter on a daily basis...kind of intersting in my opinion)this was put to test with this project and the start of the new school year...people think alot of different things about me but everything is all a misconception when it comes to the real me so dont be fooled by the piercings and daring hair...its all so im more than memorable...lol...to note when i blog it has no specific order its just an accumulation of thoughts and ideals that run off into infiniti with a series of elipses (...)...plus i really hate punctuation and capitalization as u can probably tell...anyways welcome to a little preview of my mind...and thoughts as i visited my two classes...


tuesday august 26, 2008

im not a fan of getting up early but i was really eager to get back into the swing of the whole school thing...redbull and cigarette in hand i felt empowered and ready for my first day of school in over a year...as i walked to class in ab5 (which fyi i have never had class in...so i thought for sure i was going to look like an ass trying to find the room-thankfully i found it ok...lol)...anyways i was approached by this kid skating through the door on his roller blades (which i thought was kind of funny considering he almost faceplanted as he went through the sliding door) anyways he asked me if that was communications i was walking to...and me being the instant bitch i am (but really im not i just clam up and get nervous and plus i was so tired) said "oh i dunno" and i walked away... i felt kind of bad because i really had no idea what class was when and i was just going to the classroom i knew i had...anyways let me tell u how i was in for a shocker when i walked into that classroom...i had no idea people actually took 8am classes let alone 100+ of them all crammed into the room...theses "sardines" (students) sat in staggering groups...leaving ample spaces so they didnt have to get too close and personal with the person sitting next to them...the first observation i learned was that guys will never sit next to another guy especially these uncomfortable in my own skin freshman that go to fgcu...um hello no one wants to sit next to someone who cant even roll out of bed in something that half way matches anyways...like really?...u cant put any effort into how u look especially on the first day of classes?...gross!...so needless to say i put off sitting next to anyone because well i was busy observing...i tend to do that alot...i sit back and kind of scope the situation out (sometimes my scoping takes weeks it goes back to my really weird childhood)...so there was this group of girls standing at the top of the classroom...which is where i was standing...i watched them try and find a place to sit...once i figured out that i was actually going to have to find a seat...i quickly went over to some random girl and asked her if anyone was sitting next to her...she said no and went back to chatting with her friends...i thought she was kind of rude the way she looked at me and looked at her friends...as if they were to approve judge and then score me...obviously they were freshman and i wouldnt be surprised if everyone in that class was...most of them were a little stuck up their own asses and werent really too friendly but maybe they had heard the rumor of how i snuffed off the guy with the roller blades...thank god that class did not meet for long...i had so much crap to take care of and i just wasnt in any kind of mood to really sit and be silent...me not being able to be social is kind of hard...its like a crackhead without crack lol...not to mention i felt socially akward...and just really uncomfortable (in otherwords i felt intimidated)anyways upon exiting the class i figured id take an opportunity to meet the ta...she seemed cool just not exactly too thrilled to be bombarded by my stupid question of how formal the writing style of this project needed to be...obviously its a college level course so i should be typing this in a completely different way but if im not mistaken people like creativity and im assuming "the mancini" who wasnt even in the class (although im still not convinced he wasnt there...i think he was...and he was just scoping the scene lol) anyways so i think next tuesday ill take the opportunity to get there a little earlier and try and see if i can meet some people...i like having friends and i like being supported in situations...what really sucks the most about restarting school is that none of my friends are along for the ride...so its quite hard to go back to 4 years ago when i was out of my comfort level and meet people...of course i met all of my friends randomly drunk at random parties...so i dont think that will work for the purpose of these classes...so ill just have to jump in...so needless to say i didnt get a good look or a real chance to interact with the students in spc1600 (fundamentals of communication) but i do believe the 15 minutes i was in that class got me prepared for my next class and just how to go back into the swing of looking inviting...and not pretending to be above the "common folk" which ive been told is what i wear on my mug...but its completely unintential unless of course im out and about on the town...

so later that day i had my 330 statistics class with professor drone i wasnt sure what to expect of him because while waiting for him to show up...myself and a few other people were chatting (i was mostly listening) about how people take the class so many times blah blah blah...nothing too exciting...but i looked around and noticed that within 5 minutes everyone was clicked off...guys still not really talking to eachother unless provoked...2 studious individuals sitting in the corner doing homework (which totally freaked me out because i was like "ahhh we already have homework?" thank god we didnt)...and a group of girls playing chatty kathy...flirting with some guy...so the teacher comes to the door unlocks it he seemed pretty nice...his teaching assisstant is totally a cutie...in like a dorkish way tho...and the students are mostly quiet and keep to themselves...except for a girl that walked in late and a group consisting of that one guy and the girls that were flirting with him...there is also this kid that talks to this kid with like amazing eyes but he shaves his head hed totally be hotter if he like grew the hair and grew some muscles...but oh well to each their own...then theres this girl from boston i think she has a speech impediment on top of that annoying "parrrk yahr carrr in harrrvarrrd yarrrd" accent...i dont like people from boston (actually thats a lie...i just had a bad experience with a girl who was from there...actually it was a friendship that was torn to shreds)...so needless to say shes already been written off...wow too critical? lol...ok ill stop im sure shes a nice girl she seems nice from what ive seen in the 2 class periods weve had...anyways that class will be the class i actually get to know people and their personalities in depending on if speech has a meet and greet mixer or not...lol...nah i think ill get to know alot of different people/personalities this year...provided i make myself more inviting...meaning no social barricade aka ipod (which has become a pair of sunglasses to most of us)...and maybe ill add a smile...
:)
oooh so i should state this maybe i can figure this out as i write so the first day of school when i was walking to and from classes/various buildings i got starred/gazed at alot im not sure if i just look familiar to people...or look like a giant bitch...or i initiate eye contact with everyone i look at...or if im finally becoming famous (i hope its this one...lol)!!!...but u cant blame me for the fact i like to be noticed everyone does...so i think this project actually taught me alot whether i noticed it at the time of gathering information or not...it was interesting to actually go back in and look at how i react towards people...its something i need to work on...the whole critical thing but being me and being shit on in the social scene growing up forced me to be critical and closed off...ill get better at it and hopefully ill make some interesting friends in either of my 2 classes...


-heres to a new year with new experiences!
Apr. 16th, 2008 @ 04:13 am only on the island of eros...
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Current Location: future old casa...
how am i?...: awake
whats in mah head now...: mariah carey feat t-pain - migrate!
only here in this state of mind can i truly understand that which is the gay community...not only are they a disgusting creature...but me and the likes prey on that on which we cannot have before time deems it time to do so...theres a spell captured upon the modern gay man...one of upity angst...and smelly dick syndrome...theres no one person in the gay community that is better than me...especially those that have staked out ft lauderdale as their home stomping ground...its really sad to watch the demise of individuals i once had the affliction of loving...stumble upon the fallen ground of nothing...even the poor fag hags have been forgotten in the demise of their head queer...what happened to them...what happened to us...we have all fallen from the grace of being suitable one-upper in society to being an animalistic sexual entity...its quite sick to watch us prey on the weak...and meak of word...until one day they can finally say they are better then thou...and u will gravel and beg for forgiveness in hopes that u will still have some sort of place in the social hierarchy that was once created by us...u have been outdone and no dose of botox or collagen can fix this situation...u prey on others friend lists finding love...in one night stands...and blurrs of faces and self recognition...be something original...rather than a cum shot in an instance of a drunken trophy...ugh...im just so frustrated with life in general...just the how could u's and why could u's of life...what the fuck is going on?...is everyone high on cumstains?...im just amazed...shocked and disturbed...what is it?...im so confused...why is their rush to find "love" everyone thats anyone knows it doesnt exist in todays society...everyone cheats...lies...and stabs in the back...im so glad i can say im a genuine person...with genuine interests in people and not ulterior motives..."all i wanna do is *bang bang bang bang* *ching* and take ur money"...get me the fuck outta this fuckin state or this country im so thoroughly disgusted...i dunno if i expect it to be different when i move to brickell (a "classy" place in downtown miami) in a few months...but i sure hope the animalistic nature of people washes away as i leave every memory behind and try something new on...if all else fails i still have paris...and yes for those of u who dont know...i am in the third round of casting for her new reality show...i told u to give me a year...and none of u believed me...im going to be on the cover of every magazine in the checkout stand of ur local mart of choice and yes even the national enquirer because im having et's alien human keg hybrid child...i love life rite now...and knowing that im better than everyone else...it makes me feel so good to look down upon people i once sought the attention of...its mah window...good nite and good luck on ur future toys of choice...muah!...

-a bigger emblem of royalty than lil kim...
Jan. 13th, 2008 @ 03:38 am one mans trash...
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Current Location: the cave...
how am i?...: pissed off
whats in mah head now...: the killers-believe me natalie!
one mans trash is another mans treasure...or so they say...but can this ideal really be applied to every day life...i look around me now as i am confined to the corner of mah bedroom with not even a quarter of mah belongings squished away within it...i wonder how i got here?...how i got to this point?...i think ive just had enough of it all...i am thankful for what i have...and what i am going to have...and where i am going...although at the moment im at a loss of words when it comes to that...in the figurative sense...anyways i havent written in a while and i feel as tho that may be a huge reason for the frustrations i am having as of lately...lets do a recap...

i have lost and gained alot of friends lately...and it seems that the more discarded i feel...the more angry yet popular i become...i am really hating the fact that here in the fort...nothing is what it claims to be...there is a pulse to this town and i believe it comes from the negative attitudes people exude on a daily basis...it has really taken a toll on me lately...and those of u who knew me in years past...knew that i lived mah life in a way that can only be decribed as a crystal queen once called me "bitter betty"...i guess i thought too much about the what-ifs and not enough about the right-nows...but now that im in that mindframe...and i was alot happier...i feel that at any moment i could possibly crumble to a million and one pieces and just live the rest of mah life that way...in fragments of something that never quite made sense...anyways i just feel lied to about alot of things...why promise if u cant keep it?...and maybe i have become the same way...ditching those seasonal friends of yesteryear for the more recent model...who knows...but this is point one in mah gripe...

the big gripe comes from the homefront...where i feel like in a lack of words i am being taken advantage of...theres alot of little things here and there but what living arrangement doesnt have that?...i guess i feel like the people i live with think that i furnished this house for them...and that i suddenly and mysteriously left one day...and just forgot about it all...but in reality this is not so...i am not the invisible and ghostly room mate that it seems i am being forced into portraying...is it so wrong to want a little bit of decency and respect for ones personal belongings?...and no this isnt about some expensive tv that appearently has been sold to a timeshare...its more or less about asking..."hey is it cool if a couple people come over and watch ur tv?...sit on ur sofas...etc?"...well really i wont even go that far...it would be nice if people just plain asked...i dont know why that bothers me so much but it does...i try to be as courteous and generous as i possibly can...but i feel like i have given all that i can give...and in some aspects im just empty inside...i feel out of the loop in mah house...theres constantly faces i once knew that come over and say their sympathetic hellos and go and do their deed...which is nice i guess...but in turn i just dont understand where people can just cut ties...i mean im pretty good at forgetting people...but never events...and memories...see im tying into topic one again...back on subject...anyways i just feel its kinda rude...to just wait on me to buy things...and not make any effort (at least lately)...to help make a house a home...i mean if u didnt shell out money for it...dont tell me when i can use it...and yes its in communial spaces...but i dont feel its rite to send me a message basically saying "u can wait till im done to have ur turn with ur stuff"...its not like i said hey ur not allowed to sit here or stand there...its just about respecting the money and time and investment i have put into making a beaver dam look and feel something completely different...am i wrong in feeling this way?...ive been told i have every right to be mad...upset...and somewhat confused by these irritating occurances that keep happening over and over again...without any natural resolution...i just dont understand how u can make choices about people i have over but yet someone who has been rude and disrespectful (in the past for example)...u allowed to stay after i asked them to leave for making a lude comment...i also dont understand how its okay to just say hmmm...let me do this this and that without asking the other entity that lives in this shell...i mean i try to be about as all inclusive as a damn disney resort package...but i guess theyre not picking up on that whole do onto other mentality...i mean i think its highly ridiculous actually redonkulous...that i couldnt even park or stay at mah house because oh i might get towed for the second time in a week...dont get me wrong im appreciative for all that ive learned from living here and still consider them to be good friends...but i just dont think good friends take each other for granted...i mean i hope that i dont...and correct me if im wrong in saying this...but when did the world become so me orientated?...i kno all i ever talk about is me but im not excluding mahself from that statement...at all...i just dont understand why everyone is like whats mine is mine and whats urs is mine?...and im the same way...i stake mah territory and if its invaded without discretion...i get pissed...and/or upset...its possibly human and animal nature to piss on what is urs and snarl at those who try and claim it...i guess i just want a little more r-e-s-p-e-c-t...

now mah other gripe which is somewhat related...work...what a hellhole that has become...i feel like since ive been at the ft myers ulta...i have developed this negative connotation associated with working in general...i no longer see the point in it anymore...i feel like mah points and arguments are not valid...nor are they ever really appreciated...i feel like im being led towards the slaughtering house sometimes and that with mah blinders on i cant really tell when im going to be axed...shot...or windup on a hill-billys road kill diner menu...theres so much that i could just vent for days about that place...but i wont stab at anyone person...or topic...all i kno is im frustrated with the lack of professionalism and integrity in that store...i used to exude and be the perfect example...but now i feel like ive lost all hope...especially now that i pretty much bring work home with me...i feel that link is also a part of the second gripe i had...there is some minipulation and lying going on all over the place...and i just dont even wanna see it going on...its like being in a car crash...closing ur eyes because u kno that no matter what ur going to crash...and be pretty banged up from it...

but it could all be in mah head because after all isnt everything?...so now i sit here in mah 90 duckle scrub pants...and dream of sippin on mojitos as i overlook mah domain from the nth story of whatever highrise i choose to be liking with lt luenelles and just truely hoping to oneday be happy and carefree...hopefully this shit will all payoff in the end...

-fin!
Nov. 5th, 2007 @ 12:25 am tell me how much u hate it...
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Current Location: the big comfy chair in mah living room...
how am i?...: annoyed
whats in mah head now...: tila tequila-fuck your man!
okie maybe this has only happened to me because im a whore...but have u ever hooked up with or maybe just kicked it with someone and then things just dont work out and they/u fall out of eachothers lives...only to find out later that they stole all ur myspace friends and have tried to work themselves into the lives of people u kno...and steal them away...???...or heres the kicker...they like the one person u liked them for looking like...hahahaha...people are so lameo...and all i can do is laugh at it...

anyways how are u???...

how slutty am i???...

and no im not fucked up...

-iluvuokiebyebye
Oct. 21st, 2007 @ 02:48 am for what its worth...
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how am i?...: trying to find a way out...
whats in mah head now...: keane-on a day like today!
for what its worth...im not really the one who can say they ever threw something of value away...especially when it comes to good friendships...i think lately over the last year or so ive been robbed of the luxury of good friends...although i do have an abundance of shady friends...i also have a small group of really good friends...but where did everyone go?...people moved away and did their own thing...and in many ways they forgot all about me...only to be reminded of mah existance by a facebook birthday reminder...i guess in a lot of ways i feel like im always being abandoned by people...and maybe im just as guilty...but heres the kicker...a once really close friend of mine (or so i thought but who knows i could have just been someone to pass the time with)...has come into town numerous times since she moved away...and not once has she bothered to see me...and i do somewhat blame the people she hangs out with but i also dunno...i mean she said that she had all this family drama to deal with after i called her out on not being even a shady 5 minute lunch date friend...and she freaked out about all this shit...i mean im sorry that it happened to u and it apparently cut ur trip to florida short...but thats simply one time...what about all the other times...and if u were too sad or depressed to see or talk to someone and all u wanted to do was go home...thats fine...i understand...but maybe u should just be honest and say u dont want to hang out cuz im not as cool as the people ur in pictures partying with while u were here...i guess all i expect is a little bit of honesty...and i have such a hard time believing the people around me...if its all true...hey im sorry about it...but its still not an excuse to be a not-so-existent friend...i mean this about more than this recent friend deleting occurance...i mean i was genuinely hurt by the fact she couldnt have been bothered to even attempt to see me on mah bday week...but i guess like i said i need to leave the past in the hazy fog...and keep trotting on...i dunno i guess im just disappointed in people lately...maybe im just over it and above it...or maybe i am really ready to get the fuck out of here and start over...if things dont work out with the new house i think i may just leave ulta and move away...cut mah loses...and just start over...ive had a lot of time to just think about things and people and just the situations as of late...and i feel like not only in friendships but also in work...that i get taken advantage of alot...and more than not...walked all over...i think people are shady and need to own up to the fact they are just as fake as me...they arent above me...and i understand things work both ways...but it cant be said that i didnt/dont try...and people are always the ones pointing the fingers of blame at me...and im sooooooooooo tired of it...i just am so tired of people puttin their bullshit problems on me...putting on a show and pretending i care about people who have little to no consideration/respect/interest in me...very sad i must say...from now on im not even going to try to be friends with people...its just pointless people fuck u over anyways...and its not to say i wont continue being a good friend to the people who are to me...but it just means im not willing to put up with the bullshit excuses anymore...and the petty lying that just makes everyone look stupid is just annoying...i guess what im just trying to say is why cant everyone just fuckin say it like it is...friends...guys...etc...its like u kno why dont u just say i wanna fuck u and not talk to u again...or say well im going to go to lunch with u but im def not going to like it...or i only sit next to u in class because i dont feel like getting to kno anyone...so dont talk to me...

get over urselves people...i already did...just answer me this what happened to the people i was supposed to grow old with?...what happened to friend like sophia?...blanche?...dorothy?...and rose?...ahhh yes they are indeed fictitious and nonexistent in any form...

-done with ft myers...someone get me a dog...
Jul. 23rd, 2007 @ 12:42 am ...
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2 days ago...
Jun. 28th, 2007 @ 02:33 am a blank state...
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Current Location: that thing i once called a home...
how am i?...: calm
whats in mah head now...: the kinky boyz feat kia - sexy boy (gay disco mix qaf)
for many a time i have wondered...and as i sat in that chair i still wondered...but as i floated away somewhere spacey and the verbal winds came from mah mouth much like waves of an ocean...it ebbs and flows from mah mouth and is finished by someone else...u wonder what can the point in feeling so paranoid about not having any control over ur speech...there was an relief and a sigh of hope...but still the conversation trickled on...everyone was spaced with me...nothing making very much since but our fingernails...voices carried thoughts back and forth in winds that met in the middle of the room...a room that tention had divided...i would think everything was ok for a second and id realize that i was floating away...thoughts carry u somewhere else...i only wanna chime in once...its not so great the beginning...but the conversations are colorful and whimsy...i do see a definite connection with the people u interact with...it bonds...but its still not something i completely understand...chyllin out and just breathing for a second was nice...but no one knows the secret...no one wants to...maybe it was only me...but things made sense because u knew some other idiot was agreeing...i just want to write...and think and process...theres a part of me that realizes i could stay put here and be happy when its different...that i enjoy the people i encounter...but than another part of me just wants to let go and start over...miami would be a nice break...but why leave a good thing...maybe i do it because i always did it when i was younger and now ive forced mahself to tough it out and stay...but i can never leave well enough alone...u never know what can happen if u go or if u stay...ulta is throwin me the same curveball...i have a family at my store and dont necessarily want to leave...other than that i think i have done all that i can do in securing some sort of stake in peoples minds and on the isles...even tho i said i would never im ready for the 5 minute away change...afterall in a few months ill be having to do it all over again when i move to south beach...i mean i def wanna do it...i need an escape...a place i can play...i can explore this inner celebrity...and not feel so pressured to conform into something im not...or that i once was...i cant stress it enough...the fact that im constantly stressed...i havent done something away from this town since i moved here...well besides small weekends away...maybe i just need to leave to appreciate it more...i have memories on the little things...and im worried that sometimes the pretty pink buildings and neon lights that have an afterglow along the ocean at night...change is inevitable...does one simply deal with it or create some new found logic by switching things up on a small scale in a small town...staying far from the unknown...and becoming one of those people that wants to leave it all behind...

-fin!
May. 7th, 2007 @ 10:38 am i could tell that i was stranded...just by the way it ended...
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Current Location: the tanning bed!
how am i?...: cheerful
whats in mah head now...: the academy is-slow down!
i can look around me now and honestly say where am i and what happened...it feels like this storm passed me by and completely wrecked everything with its high force winds...u think u kno someone but really u dont have a clue...life feels so unfamiliar yet strangely comforting...i guess i can find comfort in that which is unfamiliar...and go with the flow of things...its been a while...stress class work...blah blah blah...why is everyone so caught up on an agenda...and why do i all the sudden feel like moving far far away...to a place i dont know...is quite possibly the smartest idea in a long time...nothing happened really its just that people grow apart in a matter of years.months.weeks.days...and in more memorable instances...seconds...people are only a phone call away but i feel that i cannot be bothered with people that have in some way abandoned me...takin with them a part of me...their influence has been lost...i am but a virtual copy cat of influence...being influenced by the moment...i am not mah own true entity thusly why i am constantly changing...as the swinging door of friendships and not-so-relationship-relationships is kept unlocked...its all an illusion and i really dont care to be here...to deal with it...i have friends one second and the next they are gettin their fix elsewhere...theres too much confusion here...too much bad...and not enough good...u can never go back...once u leave a place...i dont care i guess...ive been workin through the stress not with nostril candy but instead through pillates and yoga...i forgot how good i feel...when my abs hurt...the world is mine for the taking...and ive taken everything i dont want from this town...i plan to be gone in the next year...i gotta make an influence elsewhere...on a larger scale...madonna pulsates through mah walls and ears shakin the existance of every living entity within a two block radius...random yes i kno...but it makes me feel good...today is nice...im going to enjoy some fake sun music and a cig or two...

-peace and love rev run...i mean ash!
Mar. 15th, 2007 @ 12:29 am so then i said...
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Current Location: mah room...duh...
how am i?...: blah
whats in mah head now...: dj tiesto feat christian burns-in the dark!
so im like sitting here bored...as usual...and having to look forward to one more repetitive day and than its hopefully new car time...anyways i was looking through my old friends (people that i no longer talk to because i came to gods waiting room)...facebook pictures that were posted recently and not so recently...i dunno it just made me sad...like looking through all their bazillions of pictures and just seeing that whole real college experience upset me...first off im bored...and eat mah boredem away...secondly, im not able to network and meet new people...not that i want to replace the ones i have currently...i just want to constantly be meeting someone new...its the inner celebrity in me...i want to fuckin be wasted out of mah mind at 130 in the afternoon with mah friends...paint mahself colors that dont even belong to mah school but i convinced mahself that they were the new ones...and run around campus with a bazillion other people...gettin hyped up about the big game...chasing the hot dog man...and bringing a keg to the game...like um hello...thats fun to me...i mean here at fgcu the only sense of school pride we have in our not so fun to watch sports...are those little for sale by owner signs that people stick in their yards...only these say go eagles (a letter on every sign)...i mean as much as that excites me *in case u didnt pick up on that...its called sarcasm*...id like something different...i mean fgcus big news is they have a taco bell...and some other generic restuaraunts...WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BAR???...oh yeah they got rid of that over priced grease pit and got an einsteins i mean cool...whatever...but where is this social hub of this community...i mean i have great friends...def not complaining...i just have regreted alot of my past decisions in highschool...such as never going to a football game...never going to any dances...and never being really active in anything but being a bitch...i mean i want to be involved in mah school...but not here...oooh we have greek life...whoopty doo fuckin doo...they pay dues to not even have a greek row...and all of them are pretty lame letters in mah opinion...where is the diverse greek system...and party houses that close down the roads leading to them on a nightly basis for one crazy party after another...all ive done since i got here...is well...drink alot...fuck off...and gain an assload of weight-literally...and now that brenna is leaving i kinda understand why she needs to get away...theres a lack of mental stimulation in this town...to the point where people are going nutso...and fuckin shit up...i mean...hey fuck ur shit up...but i just want that real college experience...i dont kno if id necessarily have it and it will be something ill look back and never be able to obtain...meaning ill be too old...to go to a diff school...ill be too rooted here to leave...i wont live on campus again anywhere (and ull def need that experience at a real school)...and ill never experience all the things i need to...to grow up...im ready for something more...and something real...and lasting in mah memory...i mean i have it...but not on as large a scale as id like...i mean u kno how i always gotta meet someone...like mah ideal situation...would be walkin to a class on a diff path...covered in trees and people...bumping into someone...starting a conversation and adding them to the social network...and have some kind of instance of that on a regular basis...im just bored mentally and physically...i need a little more substance...i dunno...

-blah!


my away message currently says:
"i think i wanna move and have a REAL college experience...not retire at 21 and wait for medicare and social security to kick in as i wait to rott in a hole in the ground"...
and i find it kinda humorous...but its sooo true...
Mar. 6th, 2007 @ 02:48 am i wish that i could change...
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Current Location: in mah room
how am i?...: confused
whats in mah head now...: abercrombie march 2007 store satellite...
i wish that i could reveal all mah inner thoughts about u...its been a long ass time hasnt...alot has happened...that crazy ass month of feb...the bad was weaned out by some good...although the good turned out bad this month...but u kno im not too concerned...dont give ur all...it wont work out...im conditioned not to love...this girls voice is mezmerizing (abercrombie mix march 2007)...theres a direct link to it in mah myspace...anyways...so lets see...mah doggie died...heather zinger visited...i was formally promoted...and i must say money talks...anyways im not sure i care about recent developments...that kinda worries me as far as relationships are concerned...but like i always say...once a douche...always a douche...bloody and gina smelling...im so done...anyways have a great day yall...

-ash!

ps-send new/good music stat cuz i only have a days worth on the new lappy...
Jan. 18th, 2007 @ 04:09 am oh alcohol...
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Current Location: the fray-look after you!
how am i?...: awake
how could i be so fuckin stupid...like really what made me think...pitty...thats what...im so done with this...the piano riffs...the emotions...the fantasies...its completely donzo...and so few come and go...but theres that one ill always want to kno for the moment...but never will...cheap thrill...cheap drill...something in life must be able to prep me for this shit...cuz its completely unnatural...isnt there someone or something that will look after me in an instance...everything is in doubt...i hate it here...i wanna leave and start it all over...its just not rite anywhere i go...i rule everything else but mah own life...and i cant even look after mahself...fuckin alcoholism...i really think there is something with this shit...a few beers here...a bottle of wine there...than some shots and mixed drinks...i cant even sleep without it...what do i do...who do i turn to...who?????????...just lay there...its okie really...its not the first time...


-ash!
Jan. 11th, 2007 @ 03:09 am life...
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Current Location: mah red red room...
how am i?...: bitchy
whats in mah head now...: keane-broken toy/walnut tree!
life...or what its all about...as the melodonic piano riffs that are keane course through mah body in the earthquake of surround i have created i realize the tru meaning of mah life is to pretty much get hurt or let down by any and everything i come into contact with...its like im a decendent of midus and everything i touch turns to shit...i wont name names...and i wont point elbows...theres a real problem im dealing with...alcoholism...obesity...and boys (the key factor in the abuse of the first two)...i place mah happiness in those uncertain hands that have touched liars lips and fucked the soul out of everything good around me...if only i dont bend and break...ill meet u...but only so u can meet tonites hookup unintentially...is it because i dont do drugs that i am not a part of the social scene?...is it because i dont have time to kill by throwing rocks and kickin dust in peoples eyes?...thats all life is...chasing after the dust trails the one person u are searching for has left behind...no matter who i encounter friends or whatnot...i am always hurt by a situation...im either left behind...or left without mine...theres this light that is callin mah name...and its tellin me not to go into the direction i have already started road trippin down...ill meet u in the morning when u wake...like i dont even kno what to say...did i do something...did i say something...in some manner i am repeating mistakes or im just not makin wise choices...im a giver...but i expect to be taken at times i guess...and i guess im nice to the wrong people and push the ones i shouldnt out...maybe this is the tru key to it all...dont let friends go astray no matter what...cuz they are ur friend for a reason...people don t change...just the situations we are in...if i wake up from this bad dream i realize there will not be anyone next to mah side...im too tired to be fighting...and i guess im not the fighting type...im long gone into this abyss that has become the demise of a lost soul...drowning in sorrow like sade...i dont have any strength left in me to fight off this temptation to get hurt...and the sad thing is...that i realize i am doin it to mahself...i put mahself in harms way from pure laziness and blindness and kindness of mah heart...im fighting this battle that i cant win...and im winning at losing...mah mind is wrecked...mah heart is broken by not a soul but mahself...apologies only make this more realized...fallin into love is so cliche...its more like finding something embracing it cuz its all u have in the moment than being let down by it...u can take away all the pride and bitchyness i have left in me...but just kno that i gave up long ago...i wave the white flag in everyones faces...i just want to be adored for once...or at least partially happy but a moment that i am in...shine a light onto their light...i dont want to be the only one i kno...i want to be the place u call home...but that wont happen...and u is not anyone specific but that dream i chase in the night and wake up to without...i leave the door unlocked to losers and wastes of time...when i try to be a friend...but the interest is in that of another...just admit it...dont lie...im a warm person on a cold day...i dont mahself at all...it could be simple...if id just lay mahself down and make mahself realize all the things i dont want to kno...id take it all...but that requires asking...and there is no one to blame but mahself...oh well...another lesson learned...no expectations of course...fatties dont get what they want...and neither do drunks...appearently only coke heads and stoners get the last word and the last laugh in...im layin down and givin it all up...just take more than what id ever ask for in return...its def okie...i dont have anything to give but bitterness and regret...goodbye yesterday...sleep through today and hello tomorrow...

-a def change is needed to survive!
Dec. 30th, 2006 @ 03:29 am standing or falling...
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Current Location: mah room...
how am i?...: calm
whats in mah head now...: nelly furtado-say it right!
standing or falling...alone or with a circle of close individuals...we all make mistakes...we all pretend we didnt do them...lessons learned are just that...lessons learned...so why is it we are all so ashammed of our own pasts?...why is it we are all so afraid to confront our futures?...do we truely live life asking questions about something that never really exists?...who put these images of gods in our head?...who actually knows the universe is ever expanding...like time...and if it is...does that mean each year and each moment are being repeated somewhere else in the deep forum of space and inner tuormoil?...it may be possible to correct our past mistakes...by hopin into a spaceship sometime in the near future...but how exactly will that affect the person we are...will we clean up nicer for that certain someone?...kiss them even tho we knew we werent supposed to?...soooo many questions about life and what really are mah personal pitfalls are coming into play lately...and really im not sure why...i have been loud...cracked out...drunk...and an overly good listener after i have calmed down from the overflow of adrenaline and fighting words...theres a holy place within us all that we will try and go...but never kno...each person hides it so well...like a deep dark secret of lies...and skeletons that haunt closets of an empty mansion...am i haunting mah own mind by thinking like this...reflection is good...but to what degree...i just wanna grab ur hand...and show u the land of the unknown...explore the world and all it has to offer free from anything bothering us...with u...and just u...teach u the lessons of life...without u necessarily having to deal with them in the ways i have...im gettin nowhere fast with u...and i dont kno what i need to do...i cant change someone and thats fine...cant u just show me some respect...and decency...not treat me like a piece of lint on that black sweater that looks so good on u...from mah hands i could make a mark on ur face...no one would forget...but alas frustrations create some of the best artistic expressions ever known...but do i want to waste time...painting and writing things that will forever mark a time in mah life...and a small space in mah room of a few stupid mistakes that are repeating themselves in the ever expanding galaxy as we speak...the will is broken...and time is slippin through ur hands...i dont care...and yet i do...maybe theres something in the soul...but than again u will deny that...as will i...cuz we are better than eachother in our own minds...yet perfect in the form of imperfection...u love what u feel now...and i love when i can show u mah mind...but u dont mean nothing at all to me...for u i would have set mahself free...but u cant leave it to me...just take mah hand...and tell me the things i need to hear directly...words are words...and they are pretty powerful...so just say them right...and say them all...



this kinda is losin mah interest...and so with that i will bid adue to u...

-l8er!
Dec. 29th, 2006 @ 01:07 am addiction...
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Current Location: in mah own circle of deception...
how am i?...: i could care less...
whats in mah head now...: amy winehouse-rehab!
weve all gone through an addiction of sorts in our lives...and kno the struggle in and out of it...i am spiriling into what i am told is an alcoholic...and the reason i mind is because i notice this bitter and angry side to me starting to come about when im not drinkin...this side that hides the truth in sections from the ones i love...and this all suddenly hit me when bunny (a co worker from ulta)...told me that i did not want to travel upon that gravel road...and be what i have become...and the only thing that bothers me...is that i promised i wouldnt...but i have found the route of mah unhappiness...and thats in u...ever since u stepped into mah life...alcohol and life pressures have taken a toll onto mah physical form...btw if anyone cares vodka and diet coke will totally help u lose weight...which i need to do anyways so whatever...anyways back to reality...i have learned that it is part of life and i must accept it thusly...whatever life is too short for me to worry about people who worry too little about themselves and their own well being...im not mother theresa and i dont claim to be...but when i see people in the middle of a "prelife" crisis...i get a little worried especially when they have habits and traits of those i have seen a demise of in the past...i dunno i just want to be done with everyone and their drug addictions...their candy coated nostrals...and their lies and deception...its too hard on me...i cant run anymore...ive decided against it for once...even tho a week ago i was set on doing it once again...its an easy thing to do when uve done it ur entire life...age isnt just a number...its an experience...i feel older and wiser than what mah body is yielding me to do...and what the people around me pushing me into...but than again...no one opens ur mouth up and makes u drink 100 dollars worth of alcohol or snort lines of oxys off mah kitchen table...but hey life is life and we all lead ourselves into temptation and yang of our ying...

-fin!

ps-happy bday to mah fav 20 year old 2 year old...melaruppin...yay...she totally had a good bday...even tho she rode a vacuum back to the fort...*wink*
Dec. 19th, 2006 @ 02:15 am do u remember...
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Current Location: mah room...
how am i?...: amused by booze...
whats in mah head now...: sarah mclachlan - dirty little secret (thievery corp mix)
do u remember when it was okie to completely care about everyone u encounter...feeling things u kno u shouldnt...and only being let down by the demons that haunt ur heart...i dont kno what it is...the alcohol...or the time of year...but lately...i feel i need to escape through people...missin the old days and living them through the new people i have encountered...apearently i used to be hott...but whats "used to be" in a town where all that counts is the now...im trendy yet in mah own way...u can hate me for what i am...or act like a jealous prick...i kno what u are...and where u are goin with ur life...mah only wish is to save u from it...that may be naive to an extent...but hell so are religious figures...*brb beer is soundin pretty good*...*yay for natty*...anyways its just really concerning me that i worry about people and will never fuckin receive that back from them...reguardless of the affection i show someone or want to for a moment or space in time...there is but one goal and one agenda that i feel obligated to accomplish in becoming friends with someone...and that is to change them for the better without them even knowing it...i kno i have changed for the worst...taking on characteristics of which i am not proud of...nor do i wish anyone to follow in...i have taken the good out of mahself...and given it to someone else...replacing the bad...and now all i feel is this horrid feelin left within me...i need someone to return the favor...and show me something i havent seen in a long time...i have been awoken many atime from a sleepless slumber in which i was forced to do things i know now i shouldnt do...i have been around the block once or twice...and experienced and seen these demonic shadows threaten what is mah territory...i see it again...but all i want to do is show the light in a dark situation...and it just seems like im losing the battle...i mean i really dont kno what to do...except stop thinkin about it...but i kno why i am no longer sought after...that is okie...but i would still like to be the voice of reason in someones life...let me sum that up by saying...i have seen the bad in everyone and traded the good i had left with their bad...much like i would take ur pain...and give u mah happiness...but i think ive run clean out of anything...and thus is the problem...i am no longer the light...but the debbie downer...i drink away the escuses u give me and just think about the literal sense of it all...im not stupid and i hate liars...dont u kno karma is bound when im around...have u not seen?...its weird...ahhhhh i have soooo many things i want to talk about but cant...its weird...i guess friends come and go...and shallow friends are very so so...i have learned u cant force something out of dust and wishful thinking...it takes a true spark...its just sad when i dream about people...its usually rite...of course i dont remember them until after it happens...but this time i remember it clearly...im not tryin to force mahself upon u or anyone else...im just tryin to change something before the bad settles down upon their smile...and clouds all the good...i force thoughts before time is due to admit them...and that is a problem...but so are habbits...which can be kicked easier than dreams...i wish that i knew how to make u happy...but like everyone else i have encountered that is impossible...when u are the drunken mistake...

-oops!
Nov. 25th, 2006 @ 05:14 am the wonderful life diet...
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Current Location: ft bumfuck...
how am i?...: cocealing the past...
whats in mah head now...: gwen stefani-wonderful life!
"ive influenced all i could...
ive blocked all the memories and dreams for as long as i could...
ive said it didnt matter when the tears fell...
i held onto teddy...even tho i kno its a one sided relationship...
ive been looked down upon for too long...
i learned what love is without ever gettin it back...
what a wonderful life...in which we all must say goodbye...
i need a change of scenary and a new lifestyle...
such a wonderful life...
fall and the green eyed monster reakin havoc once again"...

theres so much u can do and say...and it just never helps any situation as much as running away...ive lived here too long and have overstayed the welcome...i need to get away...start anew...be more productive...lay off the depression antics of alcoholic beverages and lots of food...i have got to get mah mind outta here...im doin nothing but dwellin on stupid shit...shit that happened so long ago and i have never corrected it...that constant hunger for perfection has consumed me in the marrow of every bone in mah body and i cant be happy...i cant even sympathisize with "friends" who are goin through rough patches in their lives...i just kinda shrug it off and block it all with a few swigs of a good drink...and hope that the noise that is created is silenced by the billowing smoke of the famous benson & hedges which has long since been forgotten...much like the past that was only months ago...when did i get so lost...i kno i could be much better off...i said i wanted to tough it out...to see what life willed outta this repititive circle of unfortune...hopin that stayin would certainly mean an end to the dwindlin friendships and meaningless relationships...its a wonderful...wonderful life...so why did u have to say goodbye...no one knows u...and yet i miss u like no one will...i need to go back...just fix it all...and create something much more perfect then is visible at the moment...someone who is not so shut off...not so hurt by things that never even happened but probably did...the frustation of the little things and daily shoulder shrugs have finally consumed me...u cant be found...and u were the first to warn me about it...how do i fix this...how do u hold me...and prepare me at the same time without even bein alive anymore...the thought of u again today reminded me how the time has changed...a hearts will isnt ironclad...it dies when the soul chooses to leave...the will of a lion...the will of a whore...the will of a good friend...dies...when the time has come about to move on...cut the losses of time and let the grains of sand rub off the layers of torment and sadness...as we all float on at our own pace...in our candyland we can shoot down ladders and climb up slide shooter that arent consumed...yes thats rite backwards...cuz forward is already defined by the assholes and fucktards that consume the world through cheap belongings they think are priceless...one day backwards will come and smack u in the cock and let u kno just how fucked up ur "innocent" life really was...u cant turn back now...its too late...u have dug a hole...once...twice...always the ugly fuck u were just now its inside...and this town must do something to its inhabitants...cuz i can see the same change that happened within ur bitter soul happen in mine...and it was mah fault...but we will not speak of it...u do what u do...i do what i do for the time being...hopin and praying for someone to wind it up...and take this key and break this beat...and fuck ur ass up like the loose twat u really are...anyways that made no sense...but really what does...tradition certainly doesnt...its taken forgranted and has become a commercialized success in excessive consumption...oh well...u ate well rite?...i have too much hatred in me rite now is all im trying to say...in simpler words the green eyed monster has consumed me for years...growin stronger during these winter months...he fills mah heart with bah-humbug sentiments and makes me question that which has never really been answered before...im a stranger to some and a vision to none...but i still cant get enough of the world...and thusly i must ask myself to answer my own questionable life drama in exactly one year from december 31st at 1159pm...by this time things will have gone according to plan and the map will be back...the plans of mah future and whatnot shall be back on track...i will wreck havoc in most people and turn them black like the charcoal they deserve to get from the santa claus...from yesterday...i have a calling and i must summon for the time...i shall return with the reinvention and arise on top of the mountain of fortune that i deserve...and want...u can write a message explaining ur position in the world of an arrogant asshole...but remember i will always be a bitch and there is no changing what the world has taught me to be...it has cost me alot to get where i am at...the least i can do is learn from everything i have seen...and experienced...yesterday will haunt me forever...but i shall be ur yesterday today...and that feels pretty good...everyone is changin keane and ur rite not to feel the same...no one is the same...we all disconnect like a verizon phone call and i realized just how unimportant it is to stay in touch with people...cuz when u do...u get walked on...quite abusively...ur heart may even be stompted...and mah heart still in tact for the moment goes out to everyone goin through their growin pains...but i cannot change the will of the world...u are what u are...and the decisions u people make are urs alone...but i wont watch...ill just fast forward till next season when things slow...and calm down like a good sade song...really who loves u the way i do...no one...and u will never kno how fast the waves rush over me...and why is this such a trippy post...i dont like it...the thoughts have pissed me off...for like a few days...and yet i cant even express how i am feeling...its just meaningless phrases and good song quotes...but it must be how i feel...and no one can take that free will away from me...ive been makin the rounds on apologies yet not fully committing to them...and still at the same time...finding new people to torment and belittle...but thats always the hobby of someone searching for hope...one day the fires of hell will freeze over and i will find a greater meaning in life other then the knowledge that i will oneday be ur idol...i just gotta wait...the hottness will come about in the morning...the new bitch will unleash a tame giant...who knows the capabilities of a strong bitch slap...and will not fail to use it...but also will not take the little things in life for granted as it has been done in months past...as i have recently learned within the last 5 minutes...mah relationships are a matter of hours and minutes...i can slow it down any way i like...but in the end its still not continuous...and that i will change soon enough...

-mah jewelery shop is full of snow...